It has been a most challenging week. The moment we reached home, the euphoria of having Faith back soon turned into frustration and fear. The no.1 contributing factor is breastfeeding.
I thought I did well initially and that it would soon improve with time but apparently, Faith couldn’t latch on and when I panicked, the positioning was all wrong. Faith cried a lot in the night and her shrill cry rang through the silence of the night. With such wailing and a frustrated baby wrapped in your hands, you couldn’t help but feel helpless.
I’ve got a confinement lady and when she suggested bottle feeding and formula milk (on the first night), I boiled. My ideal of breastfeeding was shattered and I resented her for that. I refused and persisted until Faith quietened. But I’m not sure if the fact that she stopped crying was due to exhaustion or because she was well-fed. Probably the former.
Another thing that added to my frustration level was the confinement lady herself. She fell short of my expectation. Though she is a careful worker, she is also rather slow in her work. She cleaned Faith slowly, and at times, I wish I could just tell her off.
Since coming back from the hospital, I could only manage 3-5 hours of sleep. My responsibility quotient was high and I wanted to tend to Faith myself, as compared to having the CL do it, except for bathing her. So, I was carrying her, trying to breastfeed her, soothing her, etc.
This got worse when we went down to the hospital to take the blood test two days after our discharge, only to learn that she was diagnosed with high level of jaundice and had to go through photo therapy (twice). I wasn’t sure if it was a blessing to have the machine sent to our home as opposed to her staying in the hospital. Ken and I were keeping watch over her round the clock (she kept removing the blindfold) and we hardly had any quality sleep.
As such, my temper flared easily though I managed to keep it under control but unknowingly, I became more and more unhappy until my siblings checked on me and shared their experience. My pent-up emotions were released and I broke down.
After I turned to EBM, I was happier than the first few days and started to recognise the blessings around me. I had gotten a lactation consultant home and she taught me the ropes but since we need to get Faith into the machine ASAP, EBM was the way to go for the time being.
And I realised that my CL wasn’t that bad after all. Her cooking was good and a plus point is she cleaned up my kitchen each time after cooking. She is organised and prepares things in advance. She even helped to clean the whole house. My toilet has never been that clean before!
Above all, I’m thankful that the hubs was around to help out. I would really have slipped into depression if not for his presence. I know he was exhausted but he still pressed on. Aww…wonderful husband. And of course, mom! She helped to purchase the ingredients and kept reminding me to rest. Ok, I have problem with resting and to be resting on the bed is really a waste of time. But I think I just have to learn since it will help me recover faster.
Right now, I’m so looking forward to my Jamu Massage next week. I have 4kg more to lose before I return to my pre-natal weight. But somehow, the hips are bigger now. Hmmm….
And of course, post-natal yoga in January! Yay!