I don’t think I have ever felt so apprehensive before.
Been through different seasons of life, from a student to a working adult to a girlfriend and eventually to a wife of a wonderful man. At each stage, I have embraced it despite the joys and pains but this time around, I actually felt fearful.
The main reason being that I do not know what might happen. This upcoming role is so new to me, one which is not my ambition from the start but yet a crucial one. I’m not saying I don’t want this role, not at all, but I mean I don’t exactly know what I need to do, not at my current stage. What kind of a mother do I want to be? What will our parenting style be? Do I stay at home or be a working mom? Will my decision affect my family in a bad way? How will my family benefit from my decision? Would I do a lousy job? Could I stay at home the whole day and be sane? What role do I play in the society? Could I be a blessing unto others? How will my social circle change?
I want to play it cool. I don’t want to fuss over things. There are many questions posed by the November 2012 mummies FB group in anticipation of the delivery. I read and I sweat. I’m not ready.
What will the future entail?
In the Delegation and Self-Management class today, the prof came up to me, congratulated me and asked what I intended to do after the baby comes along. I…I…don’t know. “It’s good to think about it now.”
And I know I’ve been procrastinating…in a lot of things. My work, decisions to make. I did procrastinate in the past but not to such an extent. And then I read something about this phenomenon.
Some people procrastinate because they’re perfectionists. They delay because their standards are so high they can’t possibly achieve them. Others may procrastinate because they’re afraid to be wrong or because they once were wrong and can’t forget it.
Perhaps, I should just take a step at a time.