This week saw me riding the roller-coastal. This, not so much due to hormonal changes, but because of a series of events that had impacted me directly.
Thursday, the last day of the teaching term and just minutes before the start of my classes, a familiar number appeared on my mobile phone screen. Thinking nothing of it, I picked up the phone, only to hear the nurse telling me that Dr Poon wanted to speak with me.
Oh no! That’s my reaction.
About a week ago, I had done the OSCAR test and Dr Poon told me that he would only call if something happened. And, this call was not at all inviting.
According to him, my child is in the high risk of having down syndrome, 1 in 75. My heart sank when I heard that and he rambled on but I wasn’t really listening already. How can this happen to me? I messaged Ken and he, being the calmer of the two, assured me that it was just a figure. I had him call the clinic as I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk anymore about my baby.
The days following that moment were days of silent agony for me. Ill thoughts filled my mind though at times, there was peace. I know God knows what is best for me but now I need to get the heart to act upon that knowledge. Though it wasn’t a certainty, it affected me nonetheless. My dear friends learnt of this and prayed for me. One of them texted me:
“…Just wanted to tell you to pray against what is essentially a statistic – God is the one who has created your baby and He has said in Psalm 139 that we are all ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’. Take heart also that our God is a merciful father and one who works for the good of those who love Him. We’ll pray alongside you so let’s claim His promises for this child and have faith in Him…”
I teared and cried buckets. It was the same type of crying I had when I got the hunch that I might be pregnant on that Sunday morning before I got the pregnancy kit. I realised that with this child, my life would never be the same again. It was not a selfish thought, just a recognition that I am wholly responsible for a being now.
However, this time round, as I cried, I mourned the fact that I had doubted God. I thought of the unthinkable and how could I? I claimed that I love God but I thought of acts that would anger Him. On the wall in our home is this plaque which says “As for me and my house(hold), we will serve the Lord (Joshua 24:15)”. It is something both Ken and I had committed to the Lord but with my defeating thoughts about the baby, I have totally let God down.
So while I’m surrendering myself to His perfect plan for me, I have to learn to let go and continue on this path of faith. Something good will come out of it, surely, based on the many experiences I had with the Almighty. He will go through everything with me.
With this episode, I have to move on and pray that God will guide Dr Poon, Ken and I throughout this journey and more important to protect Quekling too.
On to more joyous news, Ken must have seen how uncomfortable the public transport ride has been for me and we went down to get a car today! It was a model which I loved when I was younger and in a way, it’s a dream come true. It’s comforting to hear Ken say ‘My dream is to help my wife fulfil her dream.’ but you know, while this is nice and truly a blessing, my mind cannot help but still think of Quekling…
Oh, btw, I’m thankful to Connie, Ping Ping and my cousin for lending me the maternity clothes. Yay! I’m writing this so that I can remember to return them! Hahah.